I am still a girl learning to embrace each moment in life. This has been comming up for me the last few days here at the Osho Meditation Center. is one example.
My first day I am putting my lunch tray away. I turn around to look directly into the eyes of this tall, dark, and handsome man. My whole being immediately reacts with high vibrational joy, and I catch my breath. He stops and says, “hi.” I overt my gaze and walk away. “Holy shit, what was that?” I think to myself, and “why did I walk away?… I’m not here to distract myself with boys.”
Over the next couple of days these encounters keep happening. I walk out of meditation and look over into a crowd, and it is him. I walk into a room, and there he is facing me. My energy is instantly drawn to him and he is looking at me too. Sometimes I smile a little, but mostly look away. I walk up to the cyber cafe as he is leaving.
I get so nervous, the guy behind the counter says, “fourteen.”
And I say, “computer number 14?”
“No, I need your card,” he replies. He gives the guy behind the counter his voucher card. I take a deep breathe. Crap that means I’m stuck standing up here with him.
“Hi, I’m Eddy.”
“Hi Eddy. I’m Ursala.”
“Ursala…” he nods, “see you around.”
“Okay.” This is totally in an innocent, girly voice. Shit, where is my confident voice?
I don’t see him the next day and think maybe he has left. The next morning I come to the plaza for whirling. He’s is doing Tai Chi; the class is going long. I can only see his back, but I know it’s him. I start whirling, round and round. I’ve only done this before, and I spin faster and faster, eventually falling to the ground. I lie on my stomach and watch the whirlers with their huge fanning skirts, joy spread accross their faces.
There is a slight scream from where the Tai Chi class is; someone has fallen. I look over. The fallen person makes a”whoa” saying I’m okay, and I laugh. I look up just as Eddy is laughing too and looking right back at me. He’s gorgeous, especially when he’s laughing. I look away again. I keep thinking, “I should just go talk to him.” I imagine getting tea with him. I tell myself I haven’t been open to him yet because I’m working through a lot of my stuff right now. I’m tender and insecure. Excuses not to live life fully. Life happens now. Being present to what is happening now, rather than what I’m carrying deep within from the past, or worrying about the future, is the only way to really find joy.
Two days ago for the kundalini meditation, I put my mat down and then notice it happens to be about 15 feet away from Eddy. I look at him, he looks at me. We close our eyes and dance in meditation. I feel so much joy dancing focused on my hara, and I feel him, a vibrating pulse to my right.
After the meditation I walk into the cafe, my first look inside is directly into his eyes. He’s checking out and gives me a nod. I look away. Walking out to sit, I see a friend I know smiling at me, I almost go over to join, but notice Eddy is there. Shit, I am so intimidated joining a group! I do much better approaching a single other person because there is less awkward silence, and I have more control over the conversation.
We have one more meditation after tea, the Evening Meeting. This time he puts his mat close to mine, even in the sea of white robes, I notice him. The last meditation ends. I stretch and roll up my mat. I turn and he is walking next to me.
“How are you?”
“Energized.” I answer, “How are you?”
“Good. Are you going to the dance tonight?”
“I don’t know I’m often tired later at night. You?”
“Yes, since it is my last night.”
“Of course. You have to celebrate,” I answer.
He gets his shoes and looks around as if to see what I would do. I grab my shoes and step off to the side, head down to put them on. So he moves on with the crowd out the door.
I don’t go to the dance. I get a new hotel room and think to myself, “I came here to work on myself, not for boys.” Excuses. I resolve to practice joining groups of people when there is less at stake. Just to see what happens.
Each Evening Meeting a video of Osho talking is played. Last night Osho was explaining a kern, used in monasteries to tire the mind. Basically a kern is a riddle that is unsolvable, like “what did you look like before your parents were born?” He explains that if a disciple doesn’t tire one’s mind in 3 years, it is because one is holding energy back. One is not giving the entire energy to the kern, and so the mind goes on and on, thinking some on the kern as well as other thoughts. The mind does not get tired, it goes MAD over time. Osho raises his eyebrows at the word “mad” and tells an exemplary story.
A man is going for the train. The ticket man asks him for his ticket. The man says, “let me search for it.” He searches his pockets: his pants pockets, back pockets, inside jacket pockets, outside pockets, all but his left breast pocket. “I cannot find it.”
The ticket man says, “I see you have searched everywhere. Everywhere except your left breast pocket. Why not look there? It is likely there!”
“I know it is likely there, and that is why I cannot look there. It is my last hope! And if it isn’t there, I will go mad. I will have no idea where it is, and then what shall I do,” the traveler answers. And he goes on searching through his luggage and on to the next luggage.
The ticket man stops him. “Wait! You are mad! You have not even checked your left breast pocket and here you searching through other people’s luggage. What a crazy man! You cannot keep searching there.”
I laughed and cried at this story. I’m not the only one! When we hold back energy, it is because it is our hope…that we save some for later. That we will be safe. That we will need it later. The need to know. Because we like the search more than getting there. For what will we do once we are there? There are plenty of handsome, attractive, international men here at the meditation center. And I am enjoying connecting with them. But they are not Eddy. I do not remember the last time I met an Eddy where my being consistently responded so strongly. Maybe it’s the hope I cling too…that the search for love is so much easier than the work of a relationship. Maybe my ego is so scared of the unknown or my awkwardness. Why am able to talk to lots of other attractive men and be myself, but not the one I actually like? This is it! For so long I have thought myself a perfectionist. Men express affection for me, and I reject them. Why? Because I’m choosing to spend time with ones I’m not actually that into. They are safe. It is already known and I’m not invested. Maybe I turn away from what I want because of the fear of rejection if it’s something I truly want badly. HOW TO WELCOME FEAR AND THEUNKNOWN.
“Life is insecurity. Each moment is a move into more and more insecurity. It is a gamble. One never knows what is going to happen. And it is beautiful that one never knows. If it was predictable, life would not be worth living. If everything was as you would like it to be, and everything was certain, you would not be a man at all, you would be a machine. Only for machines is everything secure and certain.” ~Osho
I face my desire like I would give a steak to a dog. Teaching it to be well trained, desire indulged only with control. Desire waiting and drooling until I give it the okay. Lest I lose myself. They say the true self has no desire; it just is. Let us hope that I give the okay in self love before the steak is rotten.